Grief could be defined many ways. Most people probably
identify grief with loosing a loved one. It can also accompany people as they
go through changes and transitions. Perhaps like the apostle Paul one may
experience grief from some form of affliction that they cannot escape. Grief
usually leaves people feeling a deep sense of distress from whatever the
experience might have been. Not all levels of grief are equally intense, but
everyone at some point in life will experience grief.
A Reality for All
Grief is a reality in life. Both the weak and the strong are
broken by it and none will live above its reach. Why must we suffer? Where is
the loving God when I experience so much pain? These are just a couple of the many
questions that come to mind when we begin the grieving process. As mentioned in a previous blog post,
we live in a broken world. Sin has taken its toll on all of our lives and on
this earth in which we live. Death, disease, and destruction have left their imprint
on us and now we search to apply meaning to our experiences.
5 Stages?
Elisabeth Kubler Ross, also known as the "Death and Dying Lady", is most likely the most well known name when it comes to the topic of
grief. She jump-started the study of grief and people grieving which lead into
the development of her theory on grieving.
According to her theory, people go through five stages while they are
grieving. The first stage is denial or
shock of what has occurred. Secondly, they transition into an anger of what has
happened to them. Thirdly, they begin the bargaining stage in which they attempt
to reason with themselves and even death concerning what has happened or is happening to them. Fourthly, as their
bargaining gives way, a cloud of depression overtakes them before they move on
to the fifth stage of acceptance. To some individuals, these stages may at best
imply some sense of order or meaning to their grieving, but in general the theory is broken and lacks the ability of directing individuals to any sense of
real hope. All Elisabeth ends up offering grieving people is acceptance of
their current state of grieving.
Deceptive Theory
While using the term "stages" appears nice and neat for a
theory, it is deceptive to those experiencing grief. Stages imply an order and
timely approach to how individuals grieve. It also implies that if I go through
each stage I will be done with grieving. As if we can simply check steps off
and be done with the pain. The act of grieving is much more a process or
journey than stages. Every individual
will initially respond to grief differently. For some people the real pain of
their loss may not settle in until a year or more has gone by. Denial does not
have to be the first experience someone goes through. Every experience is unique to the individual
and their culture. In fact, when you consider each step in
the theory, we discover that her view of processing grief is anything but
healthy.
Messy Grieving
Assuming that one must be in denial about grief is to
believe that we are lost without hope. We are warned about suffering and
trials in the Scripture and are encouraged to not fear them, but to depend upon
Christ through them. Anger can be righteous, but the anger discussed in the
second stage brings on more of a victim mentality. The grieving individual
begins to blame others and determine that it was not fair they had to
experience the pain. Bargaining with grief exposes a moralistic attitude or
manipulating characteristic that is trying to cheat them out of a journey we
all must take. Depression is the
clearest picture of hopelessness and self-indulgence. In my despair, I tell
myself I cannot go on with this affliction or without my loved one. I have made
the person or item an idol in my life and have become dependent on it instead
of God. Acceptance is supposedly the last and final stage of grief. There are
no fireworks or happy ending here. The final stage simply pictures someone at
the point where they have finally been defeated and accept the fact they never
should have denied in the first place. Her theory is really a picture of messy
grieving.
Elizabeth’s stages are not a good model of how people
should grieve or process their grief. However, she does offer good insight to
what people may experience when grieving. There will be a number of individuals
coming in for counseling who may be very angry about a recent loss or depressed
over an affliction that seems to be leaving them defenseless. It is not wise or
gracious to simply confront them on their messy grieving and attempt to direct
them to a cleaner way of grieving. The first thing we are called to do, as
compassionate listeners, is to hear them out--listen to their story and build
the relationship. Our response should not initially attempt to correct their
theology or method of grieving. They are coming with a crisis and we need to
address that crisis and then respond to them in love. As you love them, you will
be communicating how to grieve "clean".
Grieving Clean
The Scriptures portray a much different picture of grieving.
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted” (Matt. 5:4). Here we
discover that we do not have to fear grief and should not deny it.
God is promising that those who will mourn for His sake will be blessed and
comforted. Christ has chosen to be our Grief Bearer (Is. 53: 4,5). He knows the
burden is hard to carry alone and desires to bear the burden for us. We know
that Christ can be a sympathetic listener because He understands. He Himself
was acquainted with grief and called a Man of Sorrows (Is. 53:3, Jn. 11:35, Lk. 22:42,43). Christ is not a distant friend; He desires to come down and touch
us while we grieve.
Grieving in Community
One practical gift God has given to believers who are
grieving is the body of Christ. Grieving
was never intended to take place in isolation.
As a body of believers, we are called to grieve in a community and also
bear one another’s burdens (Col. 3:12,13; Rom. 12:15). It is easy for someone
who is mourning to isolate themselves. They stand out because of the issue they are
suffering from and in turn, they may naturally withdraw from others. You can
display love to someone grieving by moving toward someone who is suffering. Do not
simply ask if there is anything you can do for them. Search out how you can
help and act on it. Be available to listen to their story. Sometimes they may even need you to tell them
that it is ok to grieve or to affirm their need for grieving. Take time to show
up at their home with dinner or to mow the yard. Reach out and love them. As
you participate in their grief, you share your understanding of love and direct
them back to God.
Scriptures are a comfort source to many individuals
grieving. Here you can find first hand accounts of others who have suffered.
Many people find comfort in reading through Job, the Psalms, or portions of the
gospel. There is also great hope to be found in light of our eternity. When we
view the promises of Christ and keep eternity in perspective, it is comforting
to know our suffering is temporary and one day there will be no more tears (Rev. 7:17).
Grief is a natural process and we should encourage people to
grieve clean. God grieves at the brokenness of this world and we identify with Him when we grieve. It is important to never separate grief and love. Christ
loved much and because of that love, He grieved much as well. Grief is the evidence of someone who has stepped out in faith and risked incurring pain by loving. We
want to reassure others that grieving needs to end with redirecting people to
the person of God-- Who is able to sustain all things. This Savior, although
described as a Man of Sorrow, is also known to be full of joy (Jn. 15:11; 17:13) and He desires that everyone would also be full of His joy.
There are many differing reasons someone may grieve and we cannot address all of them on a blog. Please dig into the resources listed below and ask questions in the comment section to expound on topics.
REFERENCES
There are many differing reasons someone may grieve and we cannot address all of them on a blog. Please dig into the resources listed below and ask questions in the comment section to expound on topics.
REFERENCES
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