Biblical Intimacy in Marriage

My apologies, for not putting any new post up recently. I have been working on getting a lot of internship hours covered in order to be able to graduate this August. I have decided to put a couple of articles that I have already typed on the post to prep some of the topics we have already covered in class since the last post I did on Anger. This article is going to prep the discussion about sex. I thought it would be a good idea to put sexual intimacy in it’s proper perspective to build the foundation for why the discussion about teens and sex is such a critical topic for society and especially those who seek to follow the Bibles guidance on the topic. There is no surprise that the Bible talks a great deal about sex, considering God created it. I hope the next few blogs are beneficial to the discussion.

Intimacy in this article is not simply defined as sex. Intimacy is the very personal and closeness that a couple can experience together in the covenant of marriage by the power of God. Intimacy is intended to cover every facet of our beings. Through intimacy we are engaged both in mind, body, and spirit. Intimacy is a state of being not simply an act. It is a living relationship that has ups and downs and requires daily attention. I hope these concepts will help you better understand the direction of this paper and the fact that marriage and intimacy is much more than sex. Sex is only the tip of the iceberg to a relationship that is rooted in God honoring intimacy, called oneness.

A Basic Model For Building Intimacy in Marriage

                 What does intimacy mean to you? The way in which that question is answered will most likely be largely dependent on your gender bias. However, God did not leave the definition of intimacy up for debate. God’s design and goal for intimacy in marriage is clearly seen through out the Scriptures. When sin entered the world, intimacy became impossible. Nevertheless, God’s plan was still in action as He displayed the ultimate act of true intimacy. Through salvation God has offered the means for intimacy to be accomplished in marriage. God is the Creator and Sustainer of intimacy and is able to provide the capacity for a couple to engage and become unified at a deeper level than simply physical or emotional pleasure. 

  

The Model of Intimacy in Marriage

Made in His Image

In order to understand a biblical model of intimacy, one must begin by understanding the participants joining in intimacy. Mankind is a created being that is separated from all other creations of God. “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness” (Gen. 1:26). Being made in the image of God affects who we are and how we relate to God and our environment. The image of God is seen through the moralistic nature of man, his intellect, and spirit (Adams, 1979). God created us and equipped us for a purpose. Mankind is to look like God, not in a materialist fashion, but in a moralistic means that is practically set before us in the person of Christ Jesus (Adams, 1979). He was created in the image of God to reflect who God is. God is most clearly seen and understood through the means of a relationship.

            Relationships are likewise at the core of who God is. Each person of God is found present at the creation of the world (Is. 45:12)(John 1: 1-3)(Gen. 1:2). The relational characteristic of God’s image is moreover transferred to mankind (Crabb, 1992). In the first chapter of the Bible, one can find three clear examples of the relational characteristics found in man. Adam was to have dominion over creation (Gen. 1:26), to interact with one another (Gen. 1:27), and submit to God (Gen. 1-3). When God created Adam He recognized Adam’s basic need for relationship with a compatible partner (Gen. 2:18). So God created a woman, a helpmate, from Adam’s own flesh (Gen. 2:23). By being created in God’s image mankind has the ability and opportunity to engage in the act of intimacy. The deepest level of intimacy shared between mankind in a relationship is found in marriage.

Respect and Love

            The relational roles of intimacy within marriage are characterized differently for the husband and wife. The husband is called to love his wife and the wife is called to respect her husband (Eph. 5:33). These roles are not simple suggestions, but commands from Scripture for married couples. Dr. Eggerichs (2004) puts so much weight into this concept that he claims every marital problem finds its root in the connection between love and respect. These roles are not to put one partner in a superior position (Eph. 5:21) to the other, but simply another way God has brought order (Eph. 4:3) to His creation and has chosen to display HIs image (Eph. 5:1-2). “Love and submission are complementary characteristics of people growing in conformity to Jesus Christ” (Pursley & Puls, 2008). Through the constructs of marriage God has made it possible for two uniquely different people to come together and experience a relationship of oneness.

Two Made One

            Oneness in marriage is not a new concept. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Gen. 2:24). Oneness becomes the goal for marriage (Crabb, 1992). The couple that seeks oneness in their relationship does not and cannot achieve it on their own. Oneness is only accomplished when God brings two people together in marriage (Mark 10:9). Therefore, intimacy between a husband and wife can only achieve oneness when they are intimately involved with who God is. “Couples need to know God before they can live for God. They need to know God’s plan for marriage before they can follow it” (Pursley & Puls, 2008). Before sin entered the world nothings stood between God and man as well as achieving oneness in marriage. Because of the fall of man the relationship with God has been destroyed and intimacy in marriage has become impossible (Gen. 3:22-24).

The Problem of Intimacy in Marriage

Disrupted Relationship

            When sin entered into the world, every relational aspect of mankind became tainted.  The enjoyment of fellowship with God, others, and creation has been loss (Ryrie, 1999). Mankind has been left helpless by his own means and cannot achieve the intimacy he was created to experience. This produces great conflict within himself and is the origin cause for all relational conflicts (Collins, 2001). The inherited sinful nature of mankind resorts to focusing on his needs rather than those of others  (2 Tim. 3:2). This behavior does not reflect the image of God and makes it impossible to be focused on the needs of their partner (Eggerichs, 2004). There is also little comfort to be found from others because they too are marred by sin and cannot attain intimacy.

Distracted Relationship

            One does not have to go far in Scripture to see how quickly a relationship can bring them down.  God laid everything out for Adam and Eve to have the opportunity of experiencing a lasting intimate relationship with each other.

Adam and Eve began their marriage perfectly. Theirs was a case of love at first sight, with no desire for anyone else and no memories of lost loves. God Himself introduced them to each other at their wedding. There were none of the uncertainties of dating and courtship. Their home had no mortgage, no taxes and no utility bills. Their pets were well mannered and there were no obnoxious neighbors (Pursley & Puls, 2008)

They lived in paradise and they could not make it. No matter how ideal the situation may be, the fact is, bringing two people with different backgrounds and expectations cannot end up any better than Adam and Eve did. As the family grows it will only add more distractions and tainted relationships that will add to the evident loss of intimacy. These distractions could come in the form of selfish pleasures or external influences like children (Powlison, 2009). The battle for marital intimacy has been lost on all fronts. Both partners are flawed from the inside out and neither of them can offer hope to the other.

The Solution for Intimacy in Marriage

Becoming Clay

            Hope is not lost. It is only when brokenness occurs within the relationship that intimacy can begin. God was not caught of guard by our situation. He has carefully been conducting the events of history from the beginning (Adams, 1979). God put his only Son on display in front of the world to see the greatest act of intimacy one will ever know. “For I have come down from heaven, not to do my own will but the will of him who sent me” (John 6:38). While we were in our reckless and loss state, God showed His love to us and offered us true intimacy (Rom. 5:8). God must break us from the slavery of our sinful nature and turn our eyes to Him the potter. His hand at work in our lives humbles us and prepares us for intimacy. This is the first and crucial step needed to return to a state of intimacy with God and others. As we surrender ourselves to the will of God, He will use the same hand that broke us to restore us.

Engaged in the Furnace

            When we are humbled by the love of God we are than ready to engage in intimacy with others. Intimacy is being occupied here and now with the individual (Powlison, 2009). Powlison goes on to give three basic questions to help couples become engaged. Couples should inquire on what burdens a partner, what brings them joy, and what are their goals or mission. These three questions will help to identify their struggles, interest, and where they intend to be going or wish to go (Powlison, 2009).  For married couple to become engaged with each other, it involves time and communication. Couples need to plan and set apart time for each other because if they do not plan for it, the situation will not happen (Pursley & Puls, 2008). Some couples may need to get away from the distractions in life and find a hotel or resort to spend quality time together (Leman, 2008). If a couple is to survive the fires of distractions in marriage they must be engaged in each other’s life. The more they become engaged in each other the less they will be focused on themselves.

Unified by the Fire

            Unity in a marriage is accomplished through a couple that is engaged with each other. This unity is found through the basic structure God created for marriage to have one-mind and one-flesh union (Pursley & Puls, 2008). Being of one mind and living in harmony with each other creates the safe environment to explore each other physically and develop a truly intimate one-flesh union through the marriage bed (Pursley & Puls, 2008). Sexual intimacy does not come naturally and requires a tremendous amount of sacrifice. The couple must have considerable time to grow in their knowledge of each other’s needs and learn how to serve their partner over themselves (Leman, 2008). This experience is enhanced through each partner fulfilling his or her biblical role in marriage (Eggerichs, 2004). God uses the process of growing in sexual intimacy as the firer that purifies and unifies a marriage bond.

Bound by the Maker

            Marital intimacy does not climax through the sexual experience, but is elevated in blessings and pleasure when the goal and focus is turned back to the Creator. God intended Marriage to be a picture of the relationship between Christ and the church (Eph. 5:32). Through this mystery and ministry marital intimacy is transmitted to a purpose above this earth and carries a message that can affect the hearts of other. “The sexual relationship of husbands and wives should point believers toward a loving and righteous Lord, not repel them from His holy presence. Sex, as all other activities of believers, should be a passionate act of worship” (Lelek, 2010). Each partner must find complete satisfaction and fulfillment in there individual relationship with God before they will be able to give of themselves sacrificially the way God desires them too.  David Powlison (2003) reminds the believer that true intimacy is the act of loving others when they are most unloving.  When God is the source of our love we are able to fulfill our role in loving others unconditionally because our needs are met through Christ. The goal of true intimacy, oneness, is only accomplished through the work of the Godhead as He binds a couple in marriage.

         Intimacy can be redefined and explored through a number of lenses, but only the Scriptures provide the correct lens to understand the model God has established for mankind to experience intimacy. Adam and Eve’s intimate relationship with God was disrupted by sin. Without God directly intervening through Jesus Christ, mankind would have been unable to experience intimacy with one another or God. It is through the vehicle of God’s love that mankind can find true intimacy with each other. For only God can free each partner up to give unconditionally to the other. Intimacy becomes the inner working of God with in our hearts to break them, mold them, and then bind them together with a bond that cannot be broken here on earth.

   

Works Cited

Adams, J. (1979). A theology of christian counseling. Grandrapids, Michigan: Zondervan.

Collins, D. G. (2001). The biblical basis of chrisitians counseling for people helpers. Colorado Springs: Navpress.

Crabb, L. (1992). The marriage builder. Grand Rappids, Michigan: Zondervan.

Eggerichs, E. (2004). Love and respect. Colorado Springs, Colorado: Integrety Publishers.

Lelek, J. (2010). Sexual pleasure: passsionate worship in god's holy temple. Retrieved March 21, 2011, from Chrsitian Counseling : http://www.christiancounseling.com/en/cms/?1669

Leman, K. (2008). Sheet music. Carol Stream, Illinios: Tyndale House Publisher.

Pursley, D., & Puls, G. (2008). The heart of marriage. Clarks Summit, Pennsylvania: Baptist Bible College.

Powlison, D. (2009). Marital intimacy. Retrieved March 31, 2011, from Chrisitan Counseling and Educational Foundation: http://www.ccef.org/marital-intimacy-part-1

Ryrie, C. (1999). Basic theology. Chicago: Moody Press.